My Action Research

Now that I have successfully presented my Action Research and have submitted my final paper, I feel it's only natural for me to reflect on the whole process of action research. I can still remember the day when I decided that I was going to focus my research on first-generation Latinas. It came at a time when I was personally doing a lot of reflecting about my racial and ethnic background and it was a big step for me in my identity development to choose this research topic. I was very interested in doing the research to learn the different challenges that face these students...well actually I wanted to see what was out there about the challenges that I knew I was faced and what things I didn't have to struggle with.

It was an interesting process for me to be able to reflect on my own experiences as a first-generation Latina. A lot of the research that I did really resonated it with me, specifically all the statisics that that I found about Latina pregnancy rates, Latinos lags in education and the number of Latinos that have a bachelors degree or higher in the United States. This statistics were honestly very surprising to me. However, it was seeing these statisics that helped me move from a place of shame to pride in my racial/ethnic background. I realized that instead of being ashamed of it I should be proud of everything I have overcome in my life despite everything that was in my way.

Having the opportunity to conduct the individual interviews with my participants was one of the most rewarding and eye-opening experiences in my graduate school career. Hearing their stories and being able to relate to each of them in a different way was an incredible feeling. It was so difficult not to continue the conversation outside of the interview and tell them about my own story. When I think about the creation of the discussion group, it legimately dissapoints me that I cannot be the one to implement this group and to see it all the way through. I would have loved to have been a part of this group and hear the stories of even more women from USD's campus. I really do hope this group ends up living up to the expectations of the participants and that it creates a space to begin to be able to make some effective changes to improve these student's experiences at USD.

When it came time to put my presentation together I had the hardest time because I had so much information that I wanted to include. Specifically, there were so many quotes from my participants that I thought were so effective in expressing the tensions they were each experiencing and I obviously could not include all of them. In fact, I ended up only being able to use five quotes in total, which was so difficult for me. However, I really did feel like I did a good job of effectively telling each participant's story, which was realy important to me. I still feel like I left out so much valuable information from my presentation, but I feel like I made the most of the time I had.

Now that the process is over for me, I can honestly say that having the opportunity to do this research has impacted me as a person, as an older sister, as a daughter, as a fiance, as a research, and as a higher education practitioner. Even though the process was draining and stressful, I am so grateful for this experience. I remember thinking when I first started writing my proposal last spring that this process was never going to end. I even remember questioning if I could actually carry out a research project this big. I am now very proud to say that I have completed an action research project and that it has made a difference in my life.

Thank you to everyone who helped me in any way get through this research!

My Identity Development

I decided to take a break from my action research paper for a little while and I thought to myself "I should do something productive." Then it hit me, I should write a blog! Then I wondered, what should I write about? Then that hit me too, I'm working on my action research where I'm writing about first-generation Latina students, so I should write about my identity development, more specifically more racial/ethnic identity development.

I feel like I've said this so many, but this program has honestly completely changed my life for the better. I came into this program thinking I was completely confident and comfortable with who I was. I think I expected to grow somewhat, but I really thought most of my growth had already happened during my undergraduate career. I quickly realized after starting this program that I was going to be reflecting a lot about myself and I might have to start confronting some things that I had kind of avoided before. One of the biggest things this program helped me realize is how proud I am of my Mexican background. I don't think I could have said this 2 years ago. In fact, I know I couldn't have said this 2 years ago.

Coming into this program, I had not ever really thought about my Mexican background and when I did I found myself feeling very ashamed of it. I grew up in an area with a big Latino population and went to high school with a large Latino population. Most of my closest friends were Latinas, but all I could see were the Latino students who were getting kicked out school, getting pregnant, or just being disrespectful to teachers in class. I could not get passed the fact that in my mind (please understand that I was very young at the time) these people were giving our giving us a bad name. The way I saw it, it was no wonder that there were all these negative stereotypes about Latinos because I was seeing it first-hand. Every single girl who was pregnant at my high school was Latina. For these reasons, I was very much ashamed of my background.

Even though I was ashamed of it, I will say that this was one of the things motivating me to go to college, I did not want to be another negative statistic. I wanted to be that one of a small number that actually does graduate from high school. I vowed to myself that I would not get pregnant at a young age. I would do whatever I could to avoid being "just another Mexican girl who gets pregnant in high school." I had dreams and goals and I was not going to let anything get in the way of that. A lot of this came from being raised by a single mom who was the Mexican girl in high school that got pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom with all my heart and she has been one of my biggest role models, but just knowing her history and stuggles, made me very aware of teenage pregnancy. She also always told me that I could do so much than she did. She also stressed to me that I could go to college and make something of myself. I think it was this constant reassurance from her and seeing all those pregnant girls in high school that made me so confident that I was going to go to college and I was not going to get pregnant at a young age.

I can say today with full confidence that I am very proud of where I come from and everything I have been able to achieve. I don't think I would be where I am today if it wasn't for this program and all the reflectins that are embedded in the program. It was through all these opportunities to reflect that I feel I have truly developed my racial identity. However, I do still feel like I have a long way to go. Even now as I'm thinking about Jeff and I having kids in the next two years, I am so afraid that people will still look at me as just another young Mexican girl who got pregnant because I look so young. I know I should not be concerned about this at this stage in my life, but I can't help it. Part of me wants to have a shirt made that says "I am xx years old, I have a Master's Degree, and I'm married. Stop judging me!" Of course, I'm assuming that people will be judging me, but I think I just think about it so much that I feel like it's going to happen.

Even though I still have a lot of growth to continue to do, I am very happy with where I am in my identity development. I have made it a goal for myself after graduation to become fluent in Spanish. I was surrounded by the language a lot growing up, but I was never really taught it. I took Spanish in high school and I feel fairly comfortable understanding it, but I am not at all comfortable speaking it. I really feel like this has affected my relationship with my grandma because she does not speak English well at all, so I can't really have a conversation with her. I really do want to become more a part of my culture. I want this so badly, I even have a strong desire to learn to cook some good Mexican food from my grandma. If you know me, that's a big deal because I am not a cook. But I want to be able to make those meals for my kids so that they can be in touch with one half of their culture.

Reflecting on my trip to Qatar

A conversation I had with Jeff last week during lunch got me thinking a lot about my trip to Qatar. He was telling me about his night at his internship in the emergency room at Sharp hospital. He is basically shadowing and working with a current nurse as part of his program. They we headed to the waiting room to pick up a patient and when he read the patient’s name he told the other nurse that he knew exactly how the conversation was going to go. The patient was a Muslim woman and he said that the patient was not going to say anything and her husband was going to do all the talking. Sure enough, he was completely right. He knows quite a bit about the culture since he was deployed in Iraq for a year. I started talking about what I had learned while I was there. Then I started to think back to my reflection paper when I wrote:

“Some of the ones that stick out in my head are the fact that girls/women cannot leave the country without a chaperone until they are 35 years old. I think my mouth fell straight to the floor when I heard that. Another one was that there is no dating there and arranged marriages are quite common…All these things were just so surprising to me and I actually found myself internally criticizing their culture. I kept asking myself how any girl/woman could live like that. I didn’t understand how they don’t just rebel and do what they want. This was actually a huge moment of growth for me. I don’t really consider myself to be a feminist, but I deeply believe in women’s rights and it’s something I’m really passionate about. In fact, for a long time I refused to learn how to cook because I saw that as me fitting into the stereotype of what I’m supposed to be because I’m a female. I’ve gotten over that now, but there are still things I refuse to do because I refuse to fit that stereotype. So when I was hearing about all these things that the girls/women are not allowed to do, it actually made me very angry. I honestly just wanted to know why these girls/women put up with it. Then after thinking about it for a really long time I realized that this is their culture and it’s a part of their lives. They don’t question or rebel against it because they don’t know any different. I realized that just because it’s different than the way I choose to live my life doesn’t make it wrong.”

I honestly do feel like I have grown a lot from this experience because I learned that it was not fair for me to criticize their culture. However, I found it interesting how easy it was for me to have the conversation with Jeff. As I was talking about it and basically criticizing their culture, I realized what I was doing. I was having an internal conflict with myself of I should not be continuing to have this conversation. Instead I should take this opportunity to let Jeff know the reflections I had after my trip to provide the chance for the two of us to have an educational moment together. Even as I’m typing this I’m realizing that even if I had tried that it wouldn’t really make a difference. Because Jeff was in the Army for four years and was deployed to Iraq for a year, he has lost three friends to the wars (in Iraq and Afghanistan). All three of these soldiers are men who he was fairly close with and it was really tough for him to get over their deaths. Because of the deaths of his friends, Jeff has admitted that he often experiences hatred towards Muslims. We have had quite a few conversations about this and he knows that it is not the fault of all Muslims that he lost his friends, but he still struggles not have those feelings come up. I have told him that is understandable that he would have these feelings toward them, but it is still difficult for me to accept. However, I must also recognize that I have not lost anyone close to me because of the war, so I have no idea how he feels. I feel like all I can do at this point is making sure that I am continuing to have these reflections and maybe after some time has passed I can have these conversations with Jeff.

My struggle continues to be that I don’t feel like I’ve completely allowed myself to accept the way the girls/women are treated as their culture. Even as I read through my reflection paper, I found myself getting angry about the way they are treated. During Ethics class a few weeks ago we were asked to think of an example when we went from super-ego to conscience. It was not until some of my other classmates starting giving their examples that I realized my example was. My moment of going from super-ego to conscience is my experience in Qatar, specifically thinking about the way the girls/women are treated in the culture. I realized that I was raised to be independent and never depend on anyone for anything. My mom was raised in a very traditional Mexican household where she would always have to come and do chores and my uncles would get to go out with their friends. My mom made a decision that she was not going to raise my brother and me that way, so we both always had equal amounts of chores to do. I realize that because of this and seeing the way my grandma basically babies my uncles, I have become very judgmental of any woman who follows this traditional way of living. I realized that this was happening way before my trip to Qatar, but it wasn’t until my trip that I realized I did it. It wasn’t until I got into class that week that I realized that it was an example of me going from super-ego to conscience. However, I do still feel there is a lot of work to be done. I still find myself being judgmental, so I need to be very conscience about it and continue to reflect and come to terms with the fact that just because someone chooses to live their life this way does not make it wrong. I may not agree with it and I may feel that it diminishes the power of women, but it is not fair for me to judge someone because of it. Even as I’m writing this I’m realizing that I have a long road ahead of me, but I believe that me realizing it is the first step.

More tough conversations

There is a particular conversation I had with a student last year that I have been reflecting on a lot. The conversation happened last Spring semester and I continue to think about it constantly. The conversation centered around the topic of the multicultural sorority that Panhellenic voted on and passed. I'm not sure how the conversation started, but basically the student did not understand why a multicultural sorority was necessary. He felt that all women should feel welcome in the sororities that are already on campus and didn't see the purpose of bringing on a new sorority that was only for a certain group of women on campus. I tried to explain the reasoning for bringing the new sorority on campus and he continued to struggle to understand the purpose of it. Finally the student just said "Maybe I just don't understand because I'm white." At that point I had no idea where to take the conversation, so I just let it go. This is why I've been thinking about it ever since it happened. I keep hoping I had taken the conversation further and explored the issue with him more.

I have been thinking about this conversation for two reasons, (1) It makes me wonder how many other members of the Greek system, or even on the USD campus, feel this way and (2) I wish I had the counseling skills I have now when this conversation happened.

It is no secret that USD is a predominantly white campus and that underrepresented students on this campus struggle to feel a sense of belonging. In thinking about the multicultural sorority on campus I wonder how many students really understand the purpose of having a group like this on campus. I know a very good job was done during Panhellenic meetings to help them understand why a multicultural sorority was necessary, but there are many other students on campus that were not a part of these meetings. Specifically the men in IFC clearly don't understand why this is necessary. Looking back at my conversation, I wish I had used it as a reason to have a discussion during the IFC meeting about the multicultural sorority. I think it would have been a good discussion to hear what their opinions were and try to help them understand. The idea of diversity and inclusion is obviously something that continuously needs to be talked about and I should have taken that opportunity to have a discussion about it. This is another moment for me where I recognize that I missed an opportunity for growth for myself and my students. I hope that if an opportunity like this comes up again, I will recognize it and initiate the conversation.

In thinking about the counseling skills that I have learned since starting my position in the Center for Student Success, it is clear to me that this conversation would have looked very different if I had the skills then. The way the conversation went, I spent most of the time explaining to him the purpose of the multicultural sorority. If I had the counseling skills I have now I would have asked him more open-ended questions to fully understand where he was coming from. Instead of trying to hear him out, I automatically tried to get him to understand the purpose. It is obviously not realistic for him to change his mind in the matter of one conversation. Once I heard his story I would have offered him a little perspective and self-disclosed a little based on my experiences as an underreprested graduate student on this campus. Then when he made the comment of him being white and not being able to understand, I would have simply asked "Can you explain to me why you think as a white male you cannot understand the purpose of this sorority?" I think this would be the best question to ask because it's open ended and it allows him to tell me what being a white male means to him. Based on how he responds I would follow up with more open-ended questions and hopefully help him begin to see why it is so important. I recognize that I cannot do the conversation over, but I feel it's important that I recognize how valuable basic counseling skills are. I am grateful for the skills I've learned this year and I know they will help me where ever I end up after graduation.