If I Could do it all Over Again...

Now that I am in the final days of my graduate experience at USD, I felt it was very appropriate for me to reflect on my overall experience. I have said it many times, and I will continue to say it when I move on to my next institution, this program has been one of the best decisions of my life. I started this program thinking I had everything figured out and that I wasn't really in need of any further development, but I was way wrong! This program helped me grow so much as a person and as a higher education practitioner.

As I am reflecting on my experience, I find myself asking the question, If could do it all over again, would I change anything?

For the most part, I can confidently say that I wouldn't change anything. In thinking about my experience as a Graduate Assistant, I feel so blessed to have had the opportunity to have two different assistantships. Although I did not find what I thought I would out of my experience working with Greek Life, it was very rewarding and a learning opportunity for me. My experience in the Center for Student Success has been one of the best experiences of my life. I find myself being so connected to my job and everyone there. I absolutely love the work I'm doing and I am really sad to leave. This position has helped me determine what kind of work I am really passionate about and it is because of this that I am very grateful for this experience.

My academic experience has been extremely rewarding and challenging. Taking 550 was one of the biggest hurdles for me because it was so unlike anything I had ever taken before. I can't really say the class changed my life or anything, but I did enjoy the experience. The majority of classes greatly contributed to my learning and I could see how they would apply to my work in higher education. I am glad I took the classes that I took, especially taking the opportunity of the international experience in Qatar. The numerous opportunities for reflection took some getting used to, but in the end I really valued it. I would not change anything about my academic experience.

My social experience at USD has definitely been a roller coaster. However, I am now happy with the relationships and friendships that I've built. Eventually I realized that I had to put myself out there to create relationships with classmates and because of this I have made friendships that I know will last a lifetime. It may only be a few real friendships I've created, but these few hold a very special place in my heart. I do have to say that it took me a long time to get to a place where I was happy with this aspect of my experience at USD, but I am glad to be at this place. Although it would be easy for me to wish I could change my bumps in my social experience, but all parts of my experience contributed to the person I am today.

When I first answered the question, I said "For the most part..." which means there are parts of my experience I would change. Actually there is only one thing I wish I could change. I wish I would have come in more open minded about connecting to the institution. Coming straight out of undergrad was kind of a disadvantage to me in this respect. When I graduated from La Verne in 2009 I was legitimately sad to leave. I was not ready to leave everything I had created at La Verne. Since I was still so connected to La Verne, I came to USD not really looking to connect to the university. In my mind, it was just a place for me to get a Masters degree and gain some professional experience. I was not interested in anything beyond that. It actually wasn't until this semester during seminar when we were having a check-in and some of my classmates were talking about how much they were going to miss being at USD. I took some time to reflect on this because I realized that I was not that sad to leave. I have not had any bad experiences here that would make me want to leave. I knew I was going to be sad to leave my office because I feel so connected to everyone there, but I don't really feel any emotion either way about leaving USD. As I reflected on it, I realized it was because of the frame of mind I came in with. I realize there is nothing I can do about it now, but I do wonder about my next institution. Will I be able to go in with an open mind and create a connection to the institution? This is something that I am really sitting with and I am hopeful that since I've acknowledged and realized this now, I will be able to connect to my next institution.

Overall, I am so glad I had this experience and I am very much looking forward to see what my future holds me. Thank you to everyone who contributed to my experience at USD! I could not have done it without you all!

Goodbye to USD and SOLES!

My Action Research

Now that I have successfully presented my Action Research and have submitted my final paper, I feel it's only natural for me to reflect on the whole process of action research. I can still remember the day when I decided that I was going to focus my research on first-generation Latinas. It came at a time when I was personally doing a lot of reflecting about my racial and ethnic background and it was a big step for me in my identity development to choose this research topic. I was very interested in doing the research to learn the different challenges that face these students...well actually I wanted to see what was out there about the challenges that I knew I was faced and what things I didn't have to struggle with.

It was an interesting process for me to be able to reflect on my own experiences as a first-generation Latina. A lot of the research that I did really resonated it with me, specifically all the statisics that that I found about Latina pregnancy rates, Latinos lags in education and the number of Latinos that have a bachelors degree or higher in the United States. This statistics were honestly very surprising to me. However, it was seeing these statisics that helped me move from a place of shame to pride in my racial/ethnic background. I realized that instead of being ashamed of it I should be proud of everything I have overcome in my life despite everything that was in my way.

Having the opportunity to conduct the individual interviews with my participants was one of the most rewarding and eye-opening experiences in my graduate school career. Hearing their stories and being able to relate to each of them in a different way was an incredible feeling. It was so difficult not to continue the conversation outside of the interview and tell them about my own story. When I think about the creation of the discussion group, it legimately dissapoints me that I cannot be the one to implement this group and to see it all the way through. I would have loved to have been a part of this group and hear the stories of even more women from USD's campus. I really do hope this group ends up living up to the expectations of the participants and that it creates a space to begin to be able to make some effective changes to improve these student's experiences at USD.

When it came time to put my presentation together I had the hardest time because I had so much information that I wanted to include. Specifically, there were so many quotes from my participants that I thought were so effective in expressing the tensions they were each experiencing and I obviously could not include all of them. In fact, I ended up only being able to use five quotes in total, which was so difficult for me. However, I really did feel like I did a good job of effectively telling each participant's story, which was realy important to me. I still feel like I left out so much valuable information from my presentation, but I feel like I made the most of the time I had.

Now that the process is over for me, I can honestly say that having the opportunity to do this research has impacted me as a person, as an older sister, as a daughter, as a fiance, as a research, and as a higher education practitioner. Even though the process was draining and stressful, I am so grateful for this experience. I remember thinking when I first started writing my proposal last spring that this process was never going to end. I even remember questioning if I could actually carry out a research project this big. I am now very proud to say that I have completed an action research project and that it has made a difference in my life.

Thank you to everyone who helped me in any way get through this research!

My Outlets

I have been thinking a lot lately about balance. A lot of it has been centered on work/life balance, but as I reflected on it more I realized it is more life balance. I started to think about the different things that I do to maintain balance in my life and I realized there are a lot of things that I have. I decided to call these my outlets because all of them help me take my mind off of whatever is stressing me out at the time. These are my outlets:


My Love
When Jeff and I first started dating, we had a date night every week on Wednesday. We decided this would be a day just for the two of us to hang out no matter what he had going on. Once he joined the Army that obviously could not continue. Since we've moved in together we haven't been able to do it because we are both so busy. However, we have tried to do a good job of going out on dates together even if we are busy. The one thing we have been doing a lot lately is playing games together. We both dedicate a chunk of time to do homework or study but then we set out time before going to bed to just spend time together. This has been really important to me because it helps me decompress and relax before going to bed. Plus, it always reminds me why I am in love with him.

My Family
Anyone that knows me even a little knows how important my family is to me. I feel very blessed to have such a wonderful family that I can really count on. Since moving to San Diego, Jeff and I have made it a point to go home as often as possible. When I get the opportunity to go home, I find that it really energizes me to keep going. There are some people in my family that are especially important to me:
My Mom
My mom has been such an inspiration to me in my life and I just want to make her proud of me. She has been through so much in her life and she has managed to overcome it all. I look up to her so much and when I am able to spend time with her, I find that she inspires me to reach for the stars.


My Baby Girls
My two younger sisters are the most beautiful teenagers in the world. Even though they may have attitude sometimes and we fight sometimes, they are so important to me. Everything I have done in my life has been for them. I wanted to show them that they could achieve all their dreams despite everything they will have to overcome. They keep me going and inspire me to achieve all my dreams because I want to show them that it's possible.


The Babies
One of the big reasons why Jeff and I like to go home a lot is to see the babies: my nephew Tristan and his niece Nathalia. We absolutely love to spend time with both of them and try to take them fun places, like the park, as much as we can. Right now they are both three years old and it is hard to be away from both of them because we feel like we're missing out on so much of their lives. Spending time with them really forces me to forget about anything that is stressing me out because they are so much fun and I am able to bring my inner-child out when I am with them.

My "Artistic" Side
I am not a very artsy or creative person, but I do enjoy having the opportunity to do artsy things. A few weeks ago Jeff and I went to Walgreens and I saw a box for tissue art. This instantly popped out at me and I wanted to buy it. It reminded me of a tissue art project I did in kindergarten for my mom. I bought the tissue art and when I am doing homework I take breaks from it to do some tissue art. I find it very relaxing and it makes me feel like I'm a kid again.


Each of these things is very important to me for different reasons. They each help me maintain balance in my life, which leads to me being a much happier person. I am grateful that I am able to maintain balance in my life and I hope that I can continue it. I am not saying I am an expert at it because I am not at all. There are definitely times when I don't put these things first and I can tell that it affects me. However, I do feel I have a good sense of balance and I am able to recognize the importance of it.

My NACADA Experience

It has been a couple of months since I attended the NACADA (National Academic Advising Association) Regional conference in San Diego, but I wanted to take the opportunity to reflect about my experience. Once I had made the decision not to attend NASPA I knew I wanted to attend the NACADA conference and I am so glad I chose to attend it. I do think I would have benefited from attending NASPA, but thinking about what path I want to take after graduation, I knew NACADA was the right decision for me. Before I attended I was really nervous that I was going by myself and I was even more nervous about putting myself out there and getting to know people and networking. I am normally a very reserved person, but I knew that I had to open myself up and talk to different people. I was ultimately really proud of my ability to get to know a good amount of different people. I really did learn a lot from the conference and that is what I want to reflect on:

1. I realized how much I really do want to have a career in academic advising. In talking to all the different people at the conference and attending the different sessions I see that I really am passionate about this work and it is something I could see myself doing for the rest of my life. I just get really excited about working with students to ensure a successful college experience and working toward graduation. I also feel that I implement my passion for Student Affairs, and specifically student life and campus involvement, into academic advising. This passion became very clear to me during the conference and I appreciate having the opportunity to attend the conference and I'm so grateful it was in San Diego, so I didn't have to pay for lodging.

2. I learned about my listening style: people centered. One of the sessions I attended discussed all the different types of listening styles and we had to fill out a short questionnaire to see what our listening style is. It was just interesting for me to learn that I am people-center (even though I kind of expected it) and to learn the pros and cons of my listening style. It actually made me quite happy to learn what I was people-centered because I really do feel that it's really important when working with students. I am so interested in learning about different students and hearing their story, so it made me feel good to see the pros of my listening style. It was also helpful to see the cons so I know what I need to work on when working with students.

3. One of the cons of a people-centered listener is the amount of time that it takes. This was my third and final major realization from the NACADA conference: If I do get a job in academic advising, I am really going to struggle with not being able to talk to students for an hour at a time to learn their story. I realized this during the same session actually during a role play activity that we did. We were in groups of three and each person took turns being the advisor, the student, and the observer. I was the first one to play the advisor and I had a student who was a Biology major but was not doing well in her biology classes. We had like three minutes to talk to this student. I spent time getting to know the student's story and barely had time to even begin to resolve the issue. When the other two women, who are currently academic advisors, took their turns as advisors they actually came close to reaching a solution in the three minutes. I realized right then that I am going to have to adjust the way I work with students because I am now going to have as much time with students as I do now. When I meet with a student right now I have an hour for the first session and thirty minutes for follow-ups. I know this is not going to be the case when I'm working with students as an academic advisor because I am going to have a lot more students that I'm working with. I need to find a balance between appreciative advising (which is basically what I do now) and academic advising. I do still see value in using some appreciative advising but I am going to have to be very aware of time. The other issue I know I will face is letting myself tell a student what to do more directly. Right now in the work that I do, we are not supposed to give advice to the student. We are supposed to let the student come up with solutions on their own and guide them along the way. Since this is what I'm used to, I need to get used to telling the student, you might consider doing this and that, basically being more direct. I know I can do this, it is just going to take some getting used to. Plus, I'm saying all this not even knowing if I'm going to get a position as an academic advisor, but at least I am aware of the challenges I will face and I'll be prepared for that question during an interview if it comes up.

Overall, my experience at NACADA was very rewarding. I learned a lot about the field and about myself. It was difficult to figure out which sessions to go to because I don't know what populations of students I could be working with, so I just tried to go to a variety of sessions so I could information on a little bit of everything. I am glad I took the opportunity to attend the conference.

My Personal Accomplishment

I just got some really exciting news at work the other day and I can’t help but blog about it. One of the major projects I’ve been working on for the past couple of months is a survey for the Commuter Program. We have actually been talking about doing something like this since last semester but for whatever reason we weren’t able to do it then. At the beginning of this semester Daniella told me that this was a project that we really wanted to get done so she asked me if I would be comfortable putting the survey together. Of course I said yes even though I didn’t even really know what to put on the survey. I had a lot of help from Daniella and within a month of being asked to do it, the survey was in the Commuter Center for students to take. Once students were finished taking the survey, we had our Administrative Assistant insert the answers into Student Voice.

This survey is really important to us because we are currently trying to make the Commuter Center a permanent space on campus and we knew that this survey would provide a lot of good data for that process. The survey was put out before Spring Break and I am currently in the process of analyzing the data and putting the open ended questions into themes. I must say I have the experience of analyzing my action research data to thank in this process because I feel I have a pretty good understanding of how to form themes and use quotes from the students.

Now that I’ve explained the project I have to tell the good news. A few days ago a received an email from our representative from Student Voice asking us if we would be willing to “share” the survey on the Student Voice website. What this means is that all universities who use Student Voice will have access to our survey (not the data) so they can have an idea how to create a survey such as ours. According to the Student Voice representative a lot of universities are looking to create a survey similar to ours and he felt these universities could benefit from seeing ours as a starting point.

When I saw this email I got so excited I ran into Daniella’s office to tell her. She was really excited too and as I walked away she said to me, “Congratualtions!” That was when it really hit that this is a big accomplishment for me!! I was the one who took the lead on this survey and put it together and I was being recognized for it. I can’t say I did this all on my own because I definitely did not. I went to Daniella, Merrick, and Stephanie for feedback and input on the survey, but the fact that I was the one who was in charge of putting this never before done survey together made me feel like this was definitely a personal accomplishment for me.

As I am reflecting on this exciting news I am thinking back to one of the first blogs I wrote earlier this year about making an impact. I talked about how I was told that every GA is known for leaving their mark in some way in our office. I do feel like I’ve done a lot of work and made an impact at work with the different things I’ve done, but I’ve never felt as proud as I did when I saw that email. I honestly feel like this survey is my mark. This is what I’m going to be remembered for. I understand the survey might change slightly and the questions might be adjusted, but I will be the one who started it and I will always remember the recognition I received for it. I was even thinking about a possible interview question of “Tell me about your proudest accomplishment” and I know this is my proudest accomplishment to date. I now feel like I can leave my role as the Graduate Assistant in the Center for Student Success feeling like I’ve made an impact and that I will be remembered. This is an amazing feeling and I am so glad I have reached this place in my career as a Graduate Assistant.

My Identity Development

I decided to take a break from my action research paper for a little while and I thought to myself "I should do something productive." Then it hit me, I should write a blog! Then I wondered, what should I write about? Then that hit me too, I'm working on my action research where I'm writing about first-generation Latina students, so I should write about my identity development, more specifically more racial/ethnic identity development.

I feel like I've said this so many, but this program has honestly completely changed my life for the better. I came into this program thinking I was completely confident and comfortable with who I was. I think I expected to grow somewhat, but I really thought most of my growth had already happened during my undergraduate career. I quickly realized after starting this program that I was going to be reflecting a lot about myself and I might have to start confronting some things that I had kind of avoided before. One of the biggest things this program helped me realize is how proud I am of my Mexican background. I don't think I could have said this 2 years ago. In fact, I know I couldn't have said this 2 years ago.

Coming into this program, I had not ever really thought about my Mexican background and when I did I found myself feeling very ashamed of it. I grew up in an area with a big Latino population and went to high school with a large Latino population. Most of my closest friends were Latinas, but all I could see were the Latino students who were getting kicked out school, getting pregnant, or just being disrespectful to teachers in class. I could not get passed the fact that in my mind (please understand that I was very young at the time) these people were giving our giving us a bad name. The way I saw it, it was no wonder that there were all these negative stereotypes about Latinos because I was seeing it first-hand. Every single girl who was pregnant at my high school was Latina. For these reasons, I was very much ashamed of my background.

Even though I was ashamed of it, I will say that this was one of the things motivating me to go to college, I did not want to be another negative statistic. I wanted to be that one of a small number that actually does graduate from high school. I vowed to myself that I would not get pregnant at a young age. I would do whatever I could to avoid being "just another Mexican girl who gets pregnant in high school." I had dreams and goals and I was not going to let anything get in the way of that. A lot of this came from being raised by a single mom who was the Mexican girl in high school that got pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom with all my heart and she has been one of my biggest role models, but just knowing her history and stuggles, made me very aware of teenage pregnancy. She also always told me that I could do so much than she did. She also stressed to me that I could go to college and make something of myself. I think it was this constant reassurance from her and seeing all those pregnant girls in high school that made me so confident that I was going to go to college and I was not going to get pregnant at a young age.

I can say today with full confidence that I am very proud of where I come from and everything I have been able to achieve. I don't think I would be where I am today if it wasn't for this program and all the reflectins that are embedded in the program. It was through all these opportunities to reflect that I feel I have truly developed my racial identity. However, I do still feel like I have a long way to go. Even now as I'm thinking about Jeff and I having kids in the next two years, I am so afraid that people will still look at me as just another young Mexican girl who got pregnant because I look so young. I know I should not be concerned about this at this stage in my life, but I can't help it. Part of me wants to have a shirt made that says "I am xx years old, I have a Master's Degree, and I'm married. Stop judging me!" Of course, I'm assuming that people will be judging me, but I think I just think about it so much that I feel like it's going to happen.

Even though I still have a lot of growth to continue to do, I am very happy with where I am in my identity development. I have made it a goal for myself after graduation to become fluent in Spanish. I was surrounded by the language a lot growing up, but I was never really taught it. I took Spanish in high school and I feel fairly comfortable understanding it, but I am not at all comfortable speaking it. I really feel like this has affected my relationship with my grandma because she does not speak English well at all, so I can't really have a conversation with her. I really do want to become more a part of my culture. I want this so badly, I even have a strong desire to learn to cook some good Mexican food from my grandma. If you know me, that's a big deal because I am not a cook. But I want to be able to make those meals for my kids so that they can be in touch with one half of their culture.

Reflecting on my trip to Qatar

A conversation I had with Jeff last week during lunch got me thinking a lot about my trip to Qatar. He was telling me about his night at his internship in the emergency room at Sharp hospital. He is basically shadowing and working with a current nurse as part of his program. They we headed to the waiting room to pick up a patient and when he read the patient’s name he told the other nurse that he knew exactly how the conversation was going to go. The patient was a Muslim woman and he said that the patient was not going to say anything and her husband was going to do all the talking. Sure enough, he was completely right. He knows quite a bit about the culture since he was deployed in Iraq for a year. I started talking about what I had learned while I was there. Then I started to think back to my reflection paper when I wrote:

“Some of the ones that stick out in my head are the fact that girls/women cannot leave the country without a chaperone until they are 35 years old. I think my mouth fell straight to the floor when I heard that. Another one was that there is no dating there and arranged marriages are quite common…All these things were just so surprising to me and I actually found myself internally criticizing their culture. I kept asking myself how any girl/woman could live like that. I didn’t understand how they don’t just rebel and do what they want. This was actually a huge moment of growth for me. I don’t really consider myself to be a feminist, but I deeply believe in women’s rights and it’s something I’m really passionate about. In fact, for a long time I refused to learn how to cook because I saw that as me fitting into the stereotype of what I’m supposed to be because I’m a female. I’ve gotten over that now, but there are still things I refuse to do because I refuse to fit that stereotype. So when I was hearing about all these things that the girls/women are not allowed to do, it actually made me very angry. I honestly just wanted to know why these girls/women put up with it. Then after thinking about it for a really long time I realized that this is their culture and it’s a part of their lives. They don’t question or rebel against it because they don’t know any different. I realized that just because it’s different than the way I choose to live my life doesn’t make it wrong.”

I honestly do feel like I have grown a lot from this experience because I learned that it was not fair for me to criticize their culture. However, I found it interesting how easy it was for me to have the conversation with Jeff. As I was talking about it and basically criticizing their culture, I realized what I was doing. I was having an internal conflict with myself of I should not be continuing to have this conversation. Instead I should take this opportunity to let Jeff know the reflections I had after my trip to provide the chance for the two of us to have an educational moment together. Even as I’m typing this I’m realizing that even if I had tried that it wouldn’t really make a difference. Because Jeff was in the Army for four years and was deployed to Iraq for a year, he has lost three friends to the wars (in Iraq and Afghanistan). All three of these soldiers are men who he was fairly close with and it was really tough for him to get over their deaths. Because of the deaths of his friends, Jeff has admitted that he often experiences hatred towards Muslims. We have had quite a few conversations about this and he knows that it is not the fault of all Muslims that he lost his friends, but he still struggles not have those feelings come up. I have told him that is understandable that he would have these feelings toward them, but it is still difficult for me to accept. However, I must also recognize that I have not lost anyone close to me because of the war, so I have no idea how he feels. I feel like all I can do at this point is making sure that I am continuing to have these reflections and maybe after some time has passed I can have these conversations with Jeff.

My struggle continues to be that I don’t feel like I’ve completely allowed myself to accept the way the girls/women are treated as their culture. Even as I read through my reflection paper, I found myself getting angry about the way they are treated. During Ethics class a few weeks ago we were asked to think of an example when we went from super-ego to conscience. It was not until some of my other classmates starting giving their examples that I realized my example was. My moment of going from super-ego to conscience is my experience in Qatar, specifically thinking about the way the girls/women are treated in the culture. I realized that I was raised to be independent and never depend on anyone for anything. My mom was raised in a very traditional Mexican household where she would always have to come and do chores and my uncles would get to go out with their friends. My mom made a decision that she was not going to raise my brother and me that way, so we both always had equal amounts of chores to do. I realize that because of this and seeing the way my grandma basically babies my uncles, I have become very judgmental of any woman who follows this traditional way of living. I realized that this was happening way before my trip to Qatar, but it wasn’t until my trip that I realized I did it. It wasn’t until I got into class that week that I realized that it was an example of me going from super-ego to conscience. However, I do still feel there is a lot of work to be done. I still find myself being judgmental, so I need to be very conscience about it and continue to reflect and come to terms with the fact that just because someone chooses to live their life this way does not make it wrong. I may not agree with it and I may feel that it diminishes the power of women, but it is not fair for me to judge someone because of it. Even as I’m writing this I’m realizing that I have a long road ahead of me, but I believe that me realizing it is the first step.

LIVING WITH UNCERTAINTY

It has been a very long time since I've blogged, but my experience today in Seminar got me thinking about a lot of things that I need to write about. The word that keeps coming to my mind is uncertainty. I feel like right now my life is surrounded my uncertainty and I don't really know how I feel about it or what to do with it. There are some things that are certain: I will graduate in May (hopefully), I will be moving back to Orange County in July, and I will be working for this next month and half on Ethics, Action Research, and job search. However, there are a lot of things that are uncertain and the one that I am most concerned about is where I will be working at after I graduate. I had a conversation today with Daneilla about my job search and how I'm trying not to get discouraged. I feel like I've put myself out there and applied to some jobs but I havent' heard anything back. I know the process takes a long time, but it's still hard. I did add that I am very confident that I will have a job eventually. I don't know when or where but I will find something. I really do feel like I'm comfortable with that. I think what I'm uncomfortable with, which I realized today in Seminar is this idea of waiting for the perfect job.

Again, I am very comfortable with the idea of not having a job right after graduation or even by the time I move back to Orange County. However, it makes me really anxious to think of waiting for a job that is perfect for me. I do believe that I need to find something that I like and enjoy, but can I really wait for that perfect job? At this point, I really do feel like as long as it's something I can see myself doing and I'll be happy then that is enough for me. This got me thinking about why I am so uncomfortable with holding out for the perfect job and I think I realized why. I feel like at this point in my life I need to find a job as soon as possible because I am feeling a lot of pressure to make sure that I am financially stable. I feel like I am putting this pressure on myself because I don't feel like there is anyone else putting this pressure on me.

I think I'm feeling really pressured because I know that we are going to get an apartment with my mom and the whole reason we're doing this is to help her out. We decided on this because I know that my mom is in a really bad situation and is having a lot of financial struggles. In order to help her save money and actually be in a good place financially, we decided to get an apartment with her and my little sisters. Because the reason for this move is to give my mom some financial stability, I want to make sure that I am contributing financially and not giving her any financial stress. I feel like she has had so much financial stress for the past two years and I want to do whatever I can to alleviate that for her. For this reason, I feel like I just need to find a job that I enjoy even though it might not be my dream or ideal job.

I would love more than anything to find my perfect job, but at this point in my life I don't feel like it's practical. I have so many other obligations and I don't feel like it's fair for me to turn down jobs because it is not exactly what I'm looking for. Who knows, maybe I will find my dream job, but at this point I'll be happy if I find something. I don't really know what this says about me, maybe I am being too practical and not thinking about myself enough, but I don't feel like I can right now.