It has been a very long time since I've blogged, but my experience today in Seminar got me thinking about a lot of things that I need to write about. The word that keeps coming to my mind is uncertainty. I feel like right now my life is surrounded my uncertainty and I don't really know how I feel about it or what to do with it. There are some things that are certain: I will graduate in May (hopefully), I will be moving back to Orange County in July, and I will be working for this next month and half on Ethics, Action Research, and job search. However, there are a lot of things that are uncertain and the one that I am most concerned about is where I will be working at after I graduate. I had a conversation today with Daneilla about my job search and how I'm trying not to get discouraged. I feel like I've put myself out there and applied to some jobs but I havent' heard anything back. I know the process takes a long time, but it's still hard. I did add that I am very confident that I will have a job eventually. I don't know when or where but I will find something. I really do feel like I'm comfortable with that. I think what I'm uncomfortable with, which I realized today in Seminar is this idea of waiting for the perfect job.
Again, I am very comfortable with the idea of not having a job right after graduation or even by the time I move back to Orange County. However, it makes me really anxious to think of waiting for a job that is perfect for me. I do believe that I need to find something that I like and enjoy, but can I really wait for that perfect job? At this point, I really do feel like as long as it's something I can see myself doing and I'll be happy then that is enough for me. This got me thinking about why I am so uncomfortable with holding out for the perfect job and I think I realized why. I feel like at this point in my life I need to find a job as soon as possible because I am feeling a lot of pressure to make sure that I am financially stable. I feel like I am putting this pressure on myself because I don't feel like there is anyone else putting this pressure on me.
I think I'm feeling really pressured because I know that we are going to get an apartment with my mom and the whole reason we're doing this is to help her out. We decided on this because I know that my mom is in a really bad situation and is having a lot of financial struggles. In order to help her save money and actually be in a good place financially, we decided to get an apartment with her and my little sisters. Because the reason for this move is to give my mom some financial stability, I want to make sure that I am contributing financially and not giving her any financial stress. I feel like she has had so much financial stress for the past two years and I want to do whatever I can to alleviate that for her. For this reason, I feel like I just need to find a job that I enjoy even though it might not be my dream or ideal job.
I would love more than anything to find my perfect job, but at this point in my life I don't feel like it's practical. I have so many other obligations and I don't feel like it's fair for me to turn down jobs because it is not exactly what I'm looking for. Who knows, maybe I will find my dream job, but at this point I'll be happy if I find something. I don't really know what this says about me, maybe I am being too practical and not thinking about myself enough, but I don't feel like I can right now.
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