I feel like I've said this so many, but this program has honestly completely changed my life for the better. I came into this program thinking I was completely confident and comfortable with who I was. I think I expected to grow somewhat, but I really thought most of my growth had already happened during my undergraduate career. I quickly realized after starting this program that I was going to be reflecting a lot about myself and I might have to start confronting some things that I had kind of avoided before. One of the biggest things this program helped me realize is how proud I am of my Mexican background. I don't think I could have said this 2 years ago. In fact, I know I couldn't have said this 2 years ago.
Coming into this program, I had not ever really thought about my Mexican background and when I did I found myself feeling very ashamed of it. I grew up in an area with a big Latino population and went to high school with a large Latino population. Most of my closest friends were Latinas, but all I could see were the Latino students who were getting kicked out school, getting pregnant, or just being disrespectful to teachers in class. I could not get passed the fact that in my mind (please understand that I was very young at the time) these people were giving our giving us a bad name. The way I saw it, it was no wonder that there were all these negative stereotypes about Latinos because I was seeing it first-hand. Every single girl who was pregnant at my high school was Latina. For these reasons, I was very much ashamed of my background.
Even though I was ashamed of it, I will say that this was one of the things motivating me to go to college, I did not want to be another negative statistic. I wanted to be that one of a small number that actually does graduate from high school. I vowed to myself that I would not get pregnant at a young age. I would do whatever I could to avoid being "just another Mexican girl who gets pregnant in high school." I had dreams and goals and I was not going to let anything get in the way of that. A lot of this came from being raised by a single mom who was the Mexican girl in high school that got pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom with all my heart and she has been one of my biggest role models, but just knowing her history and stuggles, made me very aware of teenage pregnancy. She also always told me that I could do so much than she did. She also stressed to me that I could go to college and make something of myself. I think it was this constant reassurance from her and seeing all those pregnant girls in high school that made me so confident that I was going to go to college and I was not going to get pregnant at a young age.
I can say today with full confidence that I am very proud of where I come from and everything I have been able to achieve. I don't think I would be where I am today if it wasn't for this program and all the reflectins that are embedded in the program. It was through all these opportunities to reflect that I feel I have truly developed my racial identity. However, I do still feel like I have a long way to go. Even now as I'm thinking about Jeff and I having kids in the next two years, I am so afraid that people will still look at me as just another young Mexican girl who got pregnant because I look so young. I know I should not be concerned about this at this stage in my life, but I can't help it. Part of me wants to have a shirt made that says "I am xx years old, I have a Master's Degree, and I'm married. Stop judging me!" Of course, I'm assuming that people will be judging me, but I think I just think about it so much that I feel like it's going to happen.
Even though I still have a lot of growth to continue to do, I am very happy with where I am in my identity development. I have made it a goal for myself after graduation to become fluent in Spanish. I was surrounded by the language a lot growing up, but I was never really taught it. I took Spanish in high school and I feel fairly comfortable understanding it, but I am not at all comfortable speaking it. I really feel like this has affected my relationship with my grandma because she does not speak English well at all, so I can't really have a conversation with her. I really do want to become more a part of my culture. I want this so badly, I even have a strong desire to learn to cook some good Mexican food from my grandma. If you know me, that's a big deal because I am not a cook. But I want to be able to make those meals for my kids so that they can be in touch with one half of their culture.
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